Emerging

So, I just got back from my violin lesson.  One of the pieces I'm working on at the moment is the classic 'Czardas' by Vittorio Monti.  In case you don't know it (but I'm sure you will when you hear it) it goes something like this:

I love how Vengerov and the bassist are trying to outdo each other here...I didn't know a bass could do such athletics!!  However I digress.

What my violin teacher was trying to get me to do today was to try and connect more in an emotional sense with the piece.   Sometimes I find this difficult.  I tend to go into a 'shell' and don't let people see how I'm actually feeling.  Since being at university I have come out of my shell to some extent, and I am very much a different person to how I used to be.  But I will come on to that.

This morning I turned on the tv briefly as I was having my breakfast, and I happened to catch the end of this programme:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b010jsng/Whats_the_Point_of_Forgiveness/

and this struck me on a personal level.  I will say now that I have never been through any of the horrors that some of the people interviewed and mentioned went through, and I hope that I will never have to.  It is worth watching the last 15 minutes or so if you have time, as some very profound points are made, ones that can be related to whether you are a Christian or not.

When I was at school I was not popular.  I was one of those people who would be routinely ignored, and if group-work came up, I was always amongst the 'leftovers'.  If I said anything, I was quite often laughed at, so I decided it would be best if I just kept my mouth shut and my head down and plough on.  Which I did for the most part.  And it seemed to work.  The trouble was that I had no-one to talk to.  As such I kept it all to myself.  I didn't even talk to my parents, much.  A typical conversation as I came through the door at the end of the day would go something like this:

"And how was school?"

"Fine"

Then I would depart to the recesses of my room, dump my bag and try not to think about school.  Here I will not go into too much detail as there is no point in reliving these memories again.  When recalling them one has to put oneself back into the old state of mind.  I have since moved on.

What I came to realise though, is something that has changed me in a deep way.  Something that resonates deeply with the theme of Easter and those radical words:  "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing". 

Throughout my years at high school I reacted to bullying (although I hate that word, as it implies 'victim', which I also don't like, because I wouldn't see myself that way; perhaps because it suggests a sense of helplessness and weakness - which most definitely is not me; I can't really explain but I'm sure you see what I mean.) by closing up.  I would put up an emotional barrier and close in on myself, thereby not letting anything or anyone get to me.  I clung on by a tenuous thread to my faith, weak and small though it was, and that was what kept me going.  I became hard-hearted and gradually more callous.  This in turn had a negative impact on my relationships with people, perhaps more with my parents, and I became self-conscious and introverted.

When I got to university everything changed.  I suddenly found myself amongst other Christians, and I can't even begin to say how happy I was to be making new friends and moving on.  I began to come out of my shell, and I found that in the process of opening up I could come to terms with the past.  I started to realise that I was still harbouring bitterness and anger at others, although I thought I had let go of it.  It was then that I discovered what it means to forgive, and be forgiven.  It is a letting go, a moving on, an embracing of life in its fullest.  And what a relief it is.

Expressing myself in music has always been one of the ways I have come to terms with things and let go.  The Czardas by Monti is an interesting piece - full of sharp contrasts and different shades and textures.  It starts with a sad, dramatic opening melody, and then the mood changes to something quite different; a fast bit in the minor key before a victorious climax in the major key, getting more so until the triumphant last notes.

Forgiveness in many ways I think is a bit like that.  We can choose to harbour bitter emotions and angry thoughts, and let them destroy us and suck the life out of us, or we can let go of them and emerge victorious, into the sunlight.  For some it takes longer than others.  And no-one ever said it would be easy.  But isn't it better to clean wounds sooner rather than later, before they fester?

I challenge you.  There is always a choice.

Ps - I know this isn't the best bit of writing ever, there was a lot more I wanted to, and could have said.  In a much better way.  But there we go.  Some days the words just won't come out right...